About the Book
About the Author
Title Page
1: Assess
Why Clowns Frighten People
The Mental Instability of Clowns
2: Analyze
Types of Clowns
The Party Clown
The Circus Clown
The Street Clown
The Tramp or Hobo
The Dunking Booth Clown
The Cirque de Soleil “Clown”
Clown Anatomy
Face Paint
Oversized Pants
Clown Communication & Lingo
3: Defend
Bozo Hotspots
Targets for Attack
When Clowns Attack
Clown Weapons (Their Arsenal)
Clown Assault Tactics
How to Defeat a Clown
Clown Gangs
How to Escape a Clown Posse
4: Protect
Spotting the Plainclothes Clown
Signs that Clowns Are Nearby
Protect Your Home
Photo Credits
title page for When Clowns Attack: A Guide to the Scariest People on Earth by Chuck Sambuchino

“Parents are all like, ‘Aren’t the clowns funny, Johnny?’ and Johnny’s like ‘No! Get me the hell outta here! These people are all crazy!’”




Step right up. Come one, come all.” What you read in these pages just might save your life.

Right now, in every nation around the globe, the greatest danger isn’t nuclear proliferation or the possibility of World War III. It is, in fact, clowns. I know what you’re thinking—sure, these red-nosed jokers are creepy, but they’re not really dangerous, and all those rumors about clowns and crime (such as the size-22 shoe prints found near where they last saw Jimmy Hoffa) are just the sensational drivel of conspiracy theorists.

Those kinds of naïve misconceptions are exactly what people think right before they get stabbed in a neighborhood controlled by clown gangs.

The truth is, while plenty of these bozos are capable of only acts such as petty theft right before they drunkenly pee their pants, too many others commit much worse crimes—especially if you provoke them. Clowns are everywhere, both in costume and in plainclothes, and if you encounter one mano a clowno, your best-case outcome is a traumatized child (and adult); the worst is loss of loot, limb, or life.

For decades these performers have haunted us—at Halloween fright fests, in the depths of carnival funhouses, and in Batman movies. All the while, we wonder what the heck they’re hiding in those enormous shoes. Weapons? Booze? A syringe? Probably all three—we just don’t know. We generally don’t know anything about a clown—hence our fear of them. And after decades of their multiplying unchecked and engaging in a public relations campaign to make us believe they’re symbols of jollity and happiness, our planet now confronts a full-blown bozo epidemic.

It’s with all this in mind that I, founder of the anti-clown group Red Nose Alert, sat down to compose this life-saving guide. Both my grandfathers suffered assaults at the hands of deranged jokers years ago, so I learned from a young age that clowns are just as violent and demented as we’ve suspected. We at Red Nose Alert want to share our knowledge with you before it’s too late.

However evil you may already think these performers are, they’re worse. Some will assault bystanders for no reason; others are working with much grander goals in mind. Want details? Brace yourself. Clown cartels control illicit drug distribution channels, black-market organ sales, and pantaloon outlet stores in every major city worldwide. To keep their numbers high, they abduct and brainwash children to join their polka-dotted ranks. And once they’ve collected enough money, children, and helium, they’ll realize their ultimate goal of world domination—where brutal “clown law” is absolute and final.

Have you ever wondered why clowns eat so many Twinkies? It’s because these cream-filled snacks can survive a nuclear blast, and clowns are convinced that if they consume enough Twinkies, no amount of radiation will be able to stop them. After the nuclear fallout, all that will be left are cockroaches and clowns—which was exactly their plan all along. Meanwhile, every year, while the public continues to believe that clowns are happy, peppy people at best, and a little creepy but harmless at worst, they inch that much closer to the front door and your toddler.

But fear not. Now that you are aware of the imminent danger, you’re much safer than you were sixty seconds ago. The next thing you can do is rip up those tickets to the circus and then sit down to learn everything you can about protecting yourself and your family. Do you know how to use a banana peel or exploding cigar to stop a group of approaching jokers? How shoe color designates clown gang rankings? We will teach you all that and more.

In these pages, you’ll learn everything you need to know about clown anatomy and attire, clown props, locations and gatherings of clowns, clown attacks, infamous clowns (serial killer John Wayne Gacy, anyone?), and more. So what you need to do now is go to the window and listen for circus music or any hyuk-hyuk laughter. Peer out into the street to check for unicycle graffiti symbols or plainclothes clown gangsters selling laughing gas right there in broad daylight. If it’s all clear, then you’re safe—for now. Deadbolt the doors and settle in. This book will no doubt save your skin.



The pro-clown lobby has recently led a public relations effort to dismiss fear of clowns—“coulrophobia”—as an “irrational fear” or “absurd phobia.” But don’t be fooled. People are innately afraid because they should be. Clowns thrive on creating discomfort, disruption, fear, and chaos—and we’re supposed to be OK with this madness simply because they do it with a smile.

In this chapter, you will find the seven reasons we fear clowns. Once you study these reasons, you’ll understand that your trepidation is natural and warranted—and you’ll be ready to learn more about protecting yourself in the future.

1. YOU NEVER KNOW THEIR REAL NAMES. When a clown introduces himself to you, he explains that his name is “Scooter!!” and that he lives “at the circus with other fun, magical people!!” But of course these are both lies. Nothing about a clown’s introduction or interaction with you is genuine. They have a false face and a false name and a false backstory—making them completely impossible to believe—and more important, impossible for police to locate. Plus, a large percentage of clown names are actually code names for hard drugs.


  • STITCHES: They claim that this name refers to how they’ll make you laugh (“have you in stitches”), but it actually refers to how they’ll literally have you in stitches after an attack. Generally, the ones who’ve seen the most violence adopt this nickname.
  • HAPPY: Any joker with this name is hooked on ecstasy.
  • POWDER: Standard nickname for a cocaine-dealing clown.
  • ANGEL: Although it’s so obviously code for angel dust (PCP), you commonly find clowns named Angel at little girls’ birthday and princess parties.
  • FUZZY: Clowns get this sobriquet because of their love of weed, kilos of which they can stash in those baggy pants.
  • SUNSHINE: Shortened name is code for “yellow sunshine” or “orange sunshine”—both variants of LSD. That bright swirly tie they always wear? Loaded and entirely lickable.
  • KIBBLES: Kibbles (or “Kib-Daddy,” as he prefers to be called) is your crack cocaine dealer of the mix. Commonly seen juggling flaming torches, this bozo always has a light.
  • SNIFF/SNIFFLES: Also a nickname for cocaine-loving bozos. Though where Powder traffics in uncut, Sniffles usually plies street-grade stuff known as “Sweet & Low.”
  • GIGGLES: Master of laughing gas/nitrous oxide. Brought in when civilians need subduing. Rarely seen without canisters and bags of balloons.

2. THEY GO STRAIGHT FOR THE CHILDREN. If you were at a park and a stranger walked right up to your kids and started handing them candy, I’m guessing you would either call 911 or slug him across his Dateline predator face. Yet this behavior is a clown’s everyday M.O. Not only do clowns head straight for everyone’s offspring, they also pass around a bevy of snacks and sugary treats. Best-case scenario: a wired kid. Worst case: the cops are putting out an Amber Alert for your little one. The scary reality is that almost all clowns are men, so breeding large numbers is a centuries-old challenge for the community. Their twisted solution is to grab orphans, street kids, and little ones who wander a little too far away from the minivan, to indoctrinate them into the clowning lifestyle and world.

3. THEY SEEM IMPERVIOUS TO PAIN OR INJURY. Clowns get hit on the head with a mallet, attacked down the pants with fire extinguishers, and slammed in the face with countless pies in metal tins, only to remain … perfectly functional. This isn’t slapstick humor; it’s borderline superpowers. But since there is no such thing as superpowers, we must naturally assume this comes from ingesting PCP, a narcotic known to dull the nerves and cause users to feel no sensation, even when breaking a bone.

4. EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM IS UNNATURAL. Think about it. Everything that clowns do is abnormal, unsanctioned behavior, and even their very appearance is deviant. For instance:

  • Their hat? Never the right size. Way too large or way too small.
  • Their skin tone? Never a natural human color.
  • Their pants? Creepily loose. They could be hiding anything from a sharpened spatula to a bazooka inside those bad boys.
  • Their shoes? Enormous and way too heavy. It takes just one stomp to snap a femur, and only three well-placed stomps to crush a man to death.
  • Their laughter? Saying “Hyuk-hyuk!” is in no way normal. Recently, a Scottish scholar discovered the word hyuk has its roots in an Old English verb for “to stab.” So the next time you hear a party clown say “I hyuked the last guy who didn’t give me a tip,” give that joker a tip—seriously.
  • Their transportation? Unicycles are dangerous, and clown cars are death traps that defy the laws of physics.
  • Their hair? Never a natural color, shape, or size. More often than not, it’s a clown-fro that looks like a pom-pom stolen from a local high school cheerleader.