TWO DOGS
A Play by
Rotimi Ogunjobi
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General settings
All scenes take place in the forecourts of two adjoining houses, separated by a low picket fence. The dwellings are suburban style and the forecourts also overlook a road and also the audience. One of the dwellings has a tree near the front and the other a kennel.
LUCKY - A mongrel dog
BONZO - A bulldog
BUSTER - A bloodhound
DENGE - Arrogant, wealthy man
THIEF
(LUCKY comes out of house. Does dog toilet activities on a tree. Sits on floor to scratch himself)
LUCKY
Good morning, world. Yes, it is a new day and every new day must essentially begin with a new morning; else it will not be a new day, at least not in this town of Trubbled Times.
(Laughs)
But then every new morning also comes with a new hunger; you know that troubling in the belly. It is well and good though, because it tells you that you are alive and healthy. And as everyone knows, a hunger in the belly always demands that it be attended to, so indeed every new morning demands that you be fed. Do you understand me so far?
(Laughs)
In any case, and for your information, the problem of this morning is that my owner who goes by the name of Mr. Salami, has made no provision and so this rumbling in the belly will likely continue through this entire day and hopefully by nightfall, my owner, who as you know goes by the name of Mr. Salami, will return, and I shall be fed.
(Laughs ruefully)
Again by the way, my name is LUCKY; a dog who is unfortunate to be owned by a thoroughly uncaring man who daily shirks his sole responsibility of providing food for me for the service of companionship and security guard-dogship which I daily render. I am sure you ask within your heart why do I not go to my relations and beg them for a bit of food at a testing time such as this. But alas, this will come to nothing, for my family has none greater than me; and I am considered the champion of the clan, considered utterly lucky to have a roof over my head. Thus to them I am a dog of means, and I must therefore by myself mind my hungers.
(Laughs ruefully)
It is a dog's life. All I do is sit here all day and watch life being gradually whittled away by time. Time, like my unfeeling owner pays me wages in hopelessness. It's a dog's life. When will it end? How will it end? I do not know but nevertheless, unlike you, I live every day with the hope that the hunger of the next day will not be as severe as that of the previous.
(Gets up and walks to the fence)
I am persuaded that a new dog arrived in the house next door yesterday together with our new neighbour. In the night I could hear his troubled barking, like the tantrums of a mad dog.
(Shouts)
Dog! Dog! Dog!
BONZO
(Comes bouncing out)
What is that dreadful noise that I hear all about? What sort of uncouth beast is making that much noise to disturb the peace of this nice day?
LUCKY
Oh, there you are, Dog. It was me calling you.
BONZO
Why do you call me by that name? It is not my name.
LUCKY
But that is what you are, friend. All dogs are called Dog.
BONZO
Is that so? Well, does it look to you that I am just a common dog? I am a prize dog and my name is not Dog.
LUCKY
You are a prize dog? Pleased to meet you, sir. What then is your name? What do they call you?
BONZO
My name is BONZO and I am a bulldog.
LUCKY
That is wonderful. But a bull is a male cow, and as far as I know it bears no natural relationship with a dog. Are you not getting all of this confused? What kind of name is BONZO? What does it mean?
BONZO
I don't know and I don't care to know. It is what my owner calls me. And it sounds elegant doesn’t it?
LUCKY
Oh well, it is your name and if you are happy with it, who is to care? My own name is LUCKY, nevertheless.
BONZO
Your name is LUCKY? It sounds very common. I wouldn't be surprised if half of your clan shared that same name. I mean it sounds very cheap.
LUCKY
Maybe it does; but it has a meaning. It means contemplation; it also means proposition.
BONZO
It certainly does not sound so contemplative to me. It sounds common and ugly.
LUCKY
It sounds ugly? Look who is talking. I suggest that you look yourself in a mirror before you call anything else ugly, sir. Who was it that beat up your face like this? Is your owner so evil?
BONZO
I am a bulldog. My face hasn't been beaten up. That is how we bulldogs look.
LUCKY
In that case, I am so elated that I am not a bulldog. I hope sir that you are not going to be as nasty a dog as you are beginning to sound. First, you don't seem to have an idea what you are and whether you are a dog or a midget bull; then you begin to make jest of my name. That is not a way to treat a stranger.
BONZO
There is no need for you to insult me any further either. What did you want to see me about? Why were you calling?
LUCKY
No reason in particular. I just noticed that you are new here and decided to be the bigger dog and to welcome you and say hello.
BONZO
Bigger dog? What makes you the bigger dog? I am better than you in any way. I have impeccable manners; my owner is richer than yours; and the places I have been you have no hope of getting there. Do you know who I am? My parents were pure British origin. I was whelped and weaned in a fine Surrey county, and from where Mr. Johnson, who for your information is my owner, purchased me and brought me here. I am not a common dog, I am a prize dog.
LUCKY
This is becoming very educative. I confess though that I was born in a litter of six, to a bitch who belonged to my owner's friend. In any case we are both dogs and we are both here as neighbours, so let us just make the best of the situation. Tell me about those places where you have been, dog.
BONZO
Again, and for your information, I am not just another dog, and the only chance that we have of becoming friends is if you refrain from irritating my sensitivities. As for my travels, I've been to London, Paris, New York, Frankfurt and so many other wonderful places. You certainly don't look like you've ever been anywhere, have you?
LUCKY
That is true. Every day I am here. This is the entire place I know. Living on leftovers, if there are any. Living on hopes if there is none. It is a dog's life.
BONZO
Don't make general allusions. I already told you that I and you do not belong in the same dog category. So, do not ever say things like, it is a dog's life. Your life is not my life. Never. Understand?
LUCKY
You may look at it whichever way you want; but whether you like it or not we are both dogs.
BONZO